I AM HAVING AN "UGGHHHH!!!" MOMENT

Sometimes I just want to scream out "UGGGHHHH!!!!" because I just don't get it! There have been days in my life when I think things are just so great, I am the happiest person around, and when I know my world has just changed for the better. It would be ideal to be this type of person everyday, and I try...I try to have a positive attitude on life, I actually try to enforce this in other people, but you know, sometimes we just need to be a "Debbie Downer". Sometimes life just does not go as we "seen" it.

This has been my issue lately. Since the first day I discovered that boys did not actually have cooties I have been searching for my husband, like all women (most won't admit it). In elementary school we used to play the games at the lunch table that would tell us who we would marry, how many cars we would have and if we would live in a glass house or not...oh, how those were the days. Eventually all of us little school girls grew up into women and some moved on and moved into their glass houses, while others are still trying to figure out when their paper fortunes would come true. Can you guess where I am? Why would I be writing this if I wasn't one of the little school girls still waiting?

The other day, after a few weeks of that PEPPY life I was living a door seemed to slam in my face and I starting thinking..."You know, this has happened a lot to me." In a search to find my prince charming since elementary school I have had bad run ins along the way. It goes back to 6th grade where I met the first "PIMP"...well, at least he thought he was. He was the first boyfriend I ever had (if you want to call it that), but the only reason I was able to label myself as the "girlfriend" is because all the other girls in the class were also...we would all go get married by the cemetary (creepy, I know-could be by my relationship life has been so dead) at recess and it was just great. Soon after all of us little girls realized that the cemetary marriages were not all it seemed cut out to be we moved on to high school where we needed to be cool. My problem is, I never got the "cool" gene. I never really dated in high school except for the time I met someone at the skating rink and he ran off and joined the military...oh, and, when I thought I was deeply in love with this guy to find out he started dating another girl in my class; that was a real heartbreaker. Then, let's see..before college I met someone, went off to college and came back to see he was dating a good friend of mine..wait, that happened twice. Yeah, that hurt, but college was much better..so I thought. I had my times, but nothing I really want to look back on and say, yeah, that was great! There was one guy that I really admired..we had so much fun together...laughed a lot...watched movies all the time...just hung out and became ourselves with one another then what do you know?!?! He goes back to Florida to continue his relationship with his FLORIDA GIRLFRIEND and has lots of babies!

So, college is over and I move on to the realy world thinking, "Okay, little paper fortune, I think it is time." In the real world I get a real job, I make new friends. I go out, have fun, meet people..guys actually! And then here goes my string of bad luck again...I meet someone, he likes me...we hang out, have fun, he meets my friends and decides to push me aside and date them...this has happened more than once! I meet someone else...we hang out, have fun...I go away on vacation and get back to find that he tried to pick up my sister while I was away..and lots of people I have met have expressed interest in me then met my sister or friends and started pursueing them instead.

Relationships have really not been my thing I guess..I really don't even know if I know how to have one to be honest. When I do meet someone it is hard for my mind not to wonder around..I think, "Oh, well he only wants one thing probably.." or "I bet if he sees my sister or my friends he will not want me anymore becuase maybe I am just not pretty enough or skinny enough...", or "This won't last so why even try?". I also don't even know when guys are flirting with me or what...I don't know how to talk to anyone anymore. I really try to be myself hopeing that someone will actually notice that then I think, "Maybe I should change something about me because "myself" does not seem to be working."

For a while I just remained solo with no intentions of meeting anyone. I would stay at home, do nothing, and sulk in my sorrow all the time. People would try to get me to go out and do things but I just saw no point in it. Finally I met someone. We decided to do the first date thing and it was great! We had so much fun, continued to talk on the phone...we scheduled a second date and something came up...we still talked, laughed, discovered things we had in common...scheduled another date...something came up. We talked more, laughed more, discovered more things in common...scheduled again and it was cancelled AGAIN! We talked a little more then all of a sudden I did not hear from him anymore. He would not answer my calls, text, e-mails...nothing. I wasn't obsessive about it or anything, I was just trying to see what was going on. To this day I have not heard anything from him...and I still don't get it. I moved on from that though. I did not really go out and pursue anyone else..I still stayed solo and just said "It is what it is"..I was not letting it get me down, for too long anyway.

Now, here we are..today. Recently I met someone else and my face was beaming there for a minute...I have been the type of person I talked about in the first paragraph..you know HAPPY!!!!!!! We went out a few times, hung out a couple times just to talk and had a GREAT TIME every time. Then, the broken record plays that same spot once again. A couple cancelled dates and then I hear nothing. Now, keep in mind, this has not even been a week yet, but when you are used to talking to someone everyday and if you have had the history I have had, what would you think? Would your mind not be swarming around like a pack of bees? I am lost, confused, I can't think straight and I am asking myself once again..."WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?" I am actually at the point where I am thinking about seeing a thearapist. I am almost 30 years old and I have never had a "real" relationship. Yes, I want to know more than anyone what this feels like. I want, for once, not to be shut down, pushed to the side, or be crapped on! I am tired of trying to please everyone else..trying to do whatever it takes to make them happy...trying to work around their schedules...of saying sorry when they do something wrong...I am tired of it all! I just want a happy, normal, healthy relationship...I pray every single night for this and each day it seems that it gets harder and harder to be so alone all the time. Can someone take me out on a real date, treat me like and lady and get to know me and like ME FOR ME!!! Can someone not give up on me and if you do can you tell me why? Can you tell me if I did something wrong? Is that too much to ask?!?! I am so fed up and I have reason to vent! I have reason to be angry and I am! I am so irritated and frustrated and I just don't understand!

Before my dad died he asked me all the time when I was going to find someone and get married..he wanted so much to walk me down the isle and he wanted me to have him some grandbabies because he knew how much I wanted both of those things. And, yes, I cry myself to sleep sometimes with the thought of this not happening for him and even now, when I just don't understand. I want help, guidance, answers...I want to understand...I pray for this.

"Patience is a virtue"...I know and I know also how many people have told me, "He's out there, you just have to stop looking." I am tired of hearing that by the way. When you want something so bad and you have wanted it for so long how do you stop looking for it...YOU CAN'T! Get real!

I think I am done here....my venting session for this topic should be complete!

Poetry for my Motivation

It jiggles, it shakes..it's because I ate too much cake.
It bulges, it's gross...it's definitely from a fast food overdose!
It just hangs there, it taunts me and I am trying SO hard to make it something it does not want to be..
Okay, so maybe not real hard, but I go to the gym...when I can..
Well, when I feel like it.
So, maybe that is why those skinny jeans won't fit..hmmmm.
I am tired of making New Year's resolutions, eating foods I don't like...that is NOT the solution!
I want my coffee with extra cream
French fries with lots of ketchup, pizza with all the good toppings...
To eat ANYTHING I want!! That seems to be every overweight American's dream!
Heart disease, cancer, diabetes, sleep apnea and more...these are just a few diseases that can knock on the obese door..
See, I was raised on cornbread and beans...my meat was never lean.
Save room for dessert because it was never lacking (I am guessing this is why my waistband is not slacking).
Sweet tea or a NON diet Pepsi more than once a day...
I guess that stuff was never okay...but it seemed to be..it fulfilled me.
These days everything we eat has to be called out, not by name, but by calories!
Live, laugh, love...right?
I LOVE FOOD and when I can't have what I want it puts me in a bad mood.
I don't like portion control or smaller plates...I don't really enjoy lifting weights..well, I don't really know how.
MOOO!! Another reason I sometimes feel like a cow..
I can throw out so many excuses, but in the end I know what I want so, therefore, I know what I need.
I want to be healthy and not die at a young age.
I want my clothes to fit and not be self conscious about what may be hanging out.
I want to run a marathon and never have doubt..
Doubt that I can't do something and I want to feel in my mind and HEALTHY heart that I can do everything!
If I have to give up a lifestyle I once knew then that is okay..I like new challenges..I challenge myself to take on a new challenge everyday!
I want others to look up to me so I can challenge them to also become healthy.
It is time to stop putting that New Year's resolution that I made for years off to the side...On that resolution my life resides.
Hamburgers, cake, pizza..se la vie...I'm ready to create this new me!

So...I'M STILL FAT!!!

So maybe that is a harsh word to use, but I can't seem to get with the program. It seems I do so good for a moment then all the chocolate and candy and fattening foods in the world get thrown at me. Can someone just wave their magic wand over me and make these cravings go away.

I have too many excuses and for this time around...well, see, what happened was...I was eating well, going to the gym everyday like it was my job then that mean ole' gallbladder decided that it was not living in my body any longer. Since then, I have been experimenting on what I can and can't eat...it seems I can eat anything...

I logged on here today for the first time in a long time and I looked at that pic of me with the cute short hair and that body that I was so proud of...I had lost so much and I was feeling good at that point...I want to be there again. I actually felt semi-skinny that day. It is amazing how weight can change your attitude. I have been struggling with this weight I carry (excuse the pun) for a while..I don't even have a lot to lose...29lbs...that is all. I just need to go in this full force and get it done, kind of like when I get my eyebrows waxed..I dread it at first, but after the lady pulls that strip of VERY attached hair off my face I look and feel so much better. Now, losing weight won't happen that quickly unless I can get Jillian Michaels to follow me around all the time, but we all know that is not happening. I have been going to the gym so I will give myself a pat on the back for that, but I have to do more than that right now.

Now...who is going to give me that kick in the butt I need??? Let's do it!!!!

I DID IT!!

Well, I am in ketosis...it took a lot of talking to myself to get there, but I did it. I finally just said the heck with it! Only I can do this. Also, I found a place down here in KY that has the same program I was in back home...I have an appointment today and I am very excited...maybe that B12 shot will wake me up...I have been sleeping wayyyyy to much lately, but I have been soooooo tired..Anywho..

I am proud of myself..even turned down the most amazing potato salad ever today..GO ME!!


Are you excited to see what the next month holds?? I am!

OBSTACLES

Life is full of obstacles and I do believe coming here to Kentucky has been an obstacle for me...as far as my food choices go. I have had a hard time eating what I am supposed to eat and ONLY that. There are so many new restaurants around here that I want to try...I am tired and "Do I really have to clean that electric skillett again?" sets in...That thing is annoying!!

Well, all my trying new restaurants and tiredness has caught up to me and I have gained some weight...I am not happy with it..so no happy that I am not even going to say how much....anywho...because I gained weight, and I really believe this, I have to have my gallbladder taken out. Now, let me tell you why I think it is because I gained weight....I read it on the internet. haha...No really, I was reading up on the causes of gallbladder problems and one of the reasons was losing weight quickly then gaining weight back. I am blaming the surgery of the removal of one of my organs on my weight gain, my eating, my ice cream, my cakes, my Baconator's from Wendys....my pizza...yeah, I just have a problem...I LOVE FOOD!!! Well, I am living proof, and I have an appointment with the surgeon tomorrow to verify my theory, that food can make you unhealthy. It is important to eat right and live a healthy lifestyle. Not only will you live longer, if God sees fit, but you will feel better about yourself and not only go shopping for shoes and purses. When the clothes you were fitting into stop fitting you don't want to buy anything else!

Well, I now HAVE to eat right...I really have no choice, especially if this gallbladder comes out..because after it is out you have to be very cautious of what you take in or you can cause more problems than you had before. Notice I said "if"...yes, I am hopeing after this consultation tomorrow that there will be other options besides having surgery and taking medication for the rest of my life...cause I really hate it (vitamins are enough)...I am hopeing that he says I can eat healthy and maybe cure this diseased gallbladder...Now I know nothing about medicine practices, but I am just hopeing...keeping my fingers crossed...praying for God to give me another chance. I am scared and I do believe I have put myself there...I have to change....for the better.

Pray for me, pray with me....pray I continue to have the strength I need to eat ONLY what I need...to not "think" or "feel" like I am hungry all the time...for an apple to satisfy my chocolate craving...for water to taste OH SO GOOD!! Pray for a positive word from the surgeon tomorrow...Pray that I continue to see what I see today and that I want to make a change..that I WANT to do well for me, for my dad who wants me to have a happy, healthy life....for everyone whom I may be an inspiration to...Pray with me..pray for me....Pray!

OH MY GOSH!!! WHY CAN'T I JUST DO IT!?!?

I am getting soooooo annoyed with myself...why can't I just stick to the diet? Why can't I eat healthy here in Kentucky?? I keep saying, "I can do this! I am ready to start again! I am going to stick with it this time!" And I can't seem to do this. This is ridiculous!

Going to a different place and being put out of your element is hard. First I had the stresses of not having anything to cook with except a microwave...well, I got an electric skillet, so that was solved. Then I was able to move into a suite, still no stove, but I felt better about where I was...felt more at home..but I have been sooooo tired. I got used to the B12 shots every week from the weigh station. I have the B12 vitamins now, but they are not seeming to work...and this is probably because my body is getting pumped with all the bad stuff that keeps wearing me down.

I have a problem with cake...I LOVE IT!! I feel like I am hungry ALL the time again and this really stinks. Going to the weigh station was so great. It is like you worked harder because you knew you someone else was going to praise you; someone you didn't know and it felt good to have that. I am trying to push myself. I am proud of me in one aspect..I can run for 30 minutes straight on the treadmill. That is a huge accomplishment for me, but then I go back to the motel and pack back on those calories I lost by eating at Dodge's (YOU WILL GET YOUR MONTLY CHOLOSTEROL LIMIT IN ONE MEAL) Chicken or having a Dairy Queen blizzard....or even grabbing a snack out of the snack machine...UGGHHHH!!! This is a nightmare! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I need that motivation I had from the beginning. I don't want to put back on the weight. And I seem so consumed in wanting to lose it but when I see the food I really love, well that consumes me more. Am I just destined to be fat?

Today was a fat day. It rained last night; okay, so all the rain in the world came down on Muldraugh, KY last night along with lightening and thunder...I said the Indians were having a pow-wow on my roof last night (It was that loud!)...so since it rained it is a little cold so I wanted to wear jeans and a cute shirt...that wasn't happening...it was a t-shirt and jeans day. Everything I put on I felt FAT in and I don't mean, oh I can see a little pudge hanging out, I MEAN FAT!!!! I felt huge. I know I am not ginormous or anything, but I still could lose a few pounds. People around here have told me, you don't need to lose...you look fine the way you are...Well, thanks homies, but I feel FAT!!!! Can I get an AMEN!!!

How do I fix this? How do I get my motivation back? Anyone know where I can find a doc to give me phentermine and B12 shots weekly in KY?? PLEASE HELP ME!!! And saying, "Oh, you can do it" is really not helping..haha..but thanks. I know I can, I have...I just need a new path to do this again.

For now, the S1 shop here at Fort Knox is heading to the Schnitzel Barn tonight so I can get even FATTER!!!!!! Oh well, I never had a schnitzel....(hmmm, is this the attitude that is putting the weight back on?)

It has been a while, I know

So, it has been a while since I posted, but I have been doing a few things...I made it to Fort Knox, working, seeing horse races, visiting other towns....and eating..Yes, Eating things I should not eat. I have gained 7 pounds since I have been here and I am NOT happy about it so today I have started over...I am not going to starve myself with only protein, but I am eating healthy like I never quit the diet...I have my gym bag packed for after work and I am going to march down the hall and jump on the treadmill and RUN!!! I have come too far and done so good. I have been so proud of myself until I put those shorts on yesterday...I was SOOOO mad...they were tight and they just looked nasty.

I went and got an electric skillet after worrying and worrying about how in the world I was going to eat out of a microwave for 70 some days...I have no idea why I never thought about that in the first place...it is time...I know I have said this before, but it is time...I AM GOING TO REACH MY GOAL WEIGHT! ARE YOU READY? I AM!!!