I AM HAVING AN "UGGHHHH!!!" MOMENT

Sometimes I just want to scream out "UGGGHHHH!!!!" because I just don't get it! There have been days in my life when I think things are just so great, I am the happiest person around, and when I know my world has just changed for the better. It would be ideal to be this type of person everyday, and I try...I try to have a positive attitude on life, I actually try to enforce this in other people, but you know, sometimes we just need to be a "Debbie Downer". Sometimes life just does not go as we "seen" it.

This has been my issue lately. Since the first day I discovered that boys did not actually have cooties I have been searching for my husband, like all women (most won't admit it). In elementary school we used to play the games at the lunch table that would tell us who we would marry, how many cars we would have and if we would live in a glass house or not...oh, how those were the days. Eventually all of us little school girls grew up into women and some moved on and moved into their glass houses, while others are still trying to figure out when their paper fortunes would come true. Can you guess where I am? Why would I be writing this if I wasn't one of the little school girls still waiting?

The other day, after a few weeks of that PEPPY life I was living a door seemed to slam in my face and I starting thinking..."You know, this has happened a lot to me." In a search to find my prince charming since elementary school I have had bad run ins along the way. It goes back to 6th grade where I met the first "PIMP"...well, at least he thought he was. He was the first boyfriend I ever had (if you want to call it that), but the only reason I was able to label myself as the "girlfriend" is because all the other girls in the class were also...we would all go get married by the cemetary (creepy, I know-could be by my relationship life has been so dead) at recess and it was just great. Soon after all of us little girls realized that the cemetary marriages were not all it seemed cut out to be we moved on to high school where we needed to be cool. My problem is, I never got the "cool" gene. I never really dated in high school except for the time I met someone at the skating rink and he ran off and joined the military...oh, and, when I thought I was deeply in love with this guy to find out he started dating another girl in my class; that was a real heartbreaker. Then, let's see..before college I met someone, went off to college and came back to see he was dating a good friend of mine..wait, that happened twice. Yeah, that hurt, but college was much better..so I thought. I had my times, but nothing I really want to look back on and say, yeah, that was great! There was one guy that I really admired..we had so much fun together...laughed a lot...watched movies all the time...just hung out and became ourselves with one another then what do you know?!?! He goes back to Florida to continue his relationship with his FLORIDA GIRLFRIEND and has lots of babies!

So, college is over and I move on to the realy world thinking, "Okay, little paper fortune, I think it is time." In the real world I get a real job, I make new friends. I go out, have fun, meet people..guys actually! And then here goes my string of bad luck again...I meet someone, he likes me...we hang out, have fun, he meets my friends and decides to push me aside and date them...this has happened more than once! I meet someone else...we hang out, have fun...I go away on vacation and get back to find that he tried to pick up my sister while I was away..and lots of people I have met have expressed interest in me then met my sister or friends and started pursueing them instead.

Relationships have really not been my thing I guess..I really don't even know if I know how to have one to be honest. When I do meet someone it is hard for my mind not to wonder around..I think, "Oh, well he only wants one thing probably.." or "I bet if he sees my sister or my friends he will not want me anymore becuase maybe I am just not pretty enough or skinny enough...", or "This won't last so why even try?". I also don't even know when guys are flirting with me or what...I don't know how to talk to anyone anymore. I really try to be myself hopeing that someone will actually notice that then I think, "Maybe I should change something about me because "myself" does not seem to be working."

For a while I just remained solo with no intentions of meeting anyone. I would stay at home, do nothing, and sulk in my sorrow all the time. People would try to get me to go out and do things but I just saw no point in it. Finally I met someone. We decided to do the first date thing and it was great! We had so much fun, continued to talk on the phone...we scheduled a second date and something came up...we still talked, laughed, discovered things we had in common...scheduled another date...something came up. We talked more, laughed more, discovered more things in common...scheduled again and it was cancelled AGAIN! We talked a little more then all of a sudden I did not hear from him anymore. He would not answer my calls, text, e-mails...nothing. I wasn't obsessive about it or anything, I was just trying to see what was going on. To this day I have not heard anything from him...and I still don't get it. I moved on from that though. I did not really go out and pursue anyone else..I still stayed solo and just said "It is what it is"..I was not letting it get me down, for too long anyway.

Now, here we are..today. Recently I met someone else and my face was beaming there for a minute...I have been the type of person I talked about in the first paragraph..you know HAPPY!!!!!!! We went out a few times, hung out a couple times just to talk and had a GREAT TIME every time. Then, the broken record plays that same spot once again. A couple cancelled dates and then I hear nothing. Now, keep in mind, this has not even been a week yet, but when you are used to talking to someone everyday and if you have had the history I have had, what would you think? Would your mind not be swarming around like a pack of bees? I am lost, confused, I can't think straight and I am asking myself once again..."WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?" I am actually at the point where I am thinking about seeing a thearapist. I am almost 30 years old and I have never had a "real" relationship. Yes, I want to know more than anyone what this feels like. I want, for once, not to be shut down, pushed to the side, or be crapped on! I am tired of trying to please everyone else..trying to do whatever it takes to make them happy...trying to work around their schedules...of saying sorry when they do something wrong...I am tired of it all! I just want a happy, normal, healthy relationship...I pray every single night for this and each day it seems that it gets harder and harder to be so alone all the time. Can someone take me out on a real date, treat me like and lady and get to know me and like ME FOR ME!!! Can someone not give up on me and if you do can you tell me why? Can you tell me if I did something wrong? Is that too much to ask?!?! I am so fed up and I have reason to vent! I have reason to be angry and I am! I am so irritated and frustrated and I just don't understand!

Before my dad died he asked me all the time when I was going to find someone and get married..he wanted so much to walk me down the isle and he wanted me to have him some grandbabies because he knew how much I wanted both of those things. And, yes, I cry myself to sleep sometimes with the thought of this not happening for him and even now, when I just don't understand. I want help, guidance, answers...I want to understand...I pray for this.

"Patience is a virtue"...I know and I know also how many people have told me, "He's out there, you just have to stop looking." I am tired of hearing that by the way. When you want something so bad and you have wanted it for so long how do you stop looking for it...YOU CAN'T! Get real!

I think I am done here....my venting session for this topic should be complete!