The Disorderly Disorder

"This cycle will never end!"
"I think about food all the time!"
"I feel so disgusted with myself! "
"Why did I eat that?"
"I feel fat!"

Those are just some of the things that have crossed my mind during this weight loss journey the past few years.  Recently they have crossed my mind more than they should.  If you have read any part of this blog since I started trying to lose weight you will see that I have just gone back and forth.
At first I was really excited about losing weight! I just knew that this diet was going to get rid of all my excess weight! Then I knew that diet was going to be the one! Next came this miracle diet..and so on.
They say no one should "diet", they should just make it a "lifestyle" change. Well apparently when "they" spoke to me they were not very clear on the definition of "LIFESTYLE"!
The past few years I have became so consumed in losing weight that my life has become disordly. I had a talk with my sister last night about how food makes me feel and how, lately, I just want to hate it! I let her know everything!
When I am alone, sad, bored, upset, happy..any emotion really, I eat. I don't just eat when I am supposed to. I eat even when I am full and if I am not eating I am thinking about eating. When I eat I normally feel disgusted afterwards because that food just made me feel fatter and that scale will not make me smile in the morning! I know I am not morbidly obese, but I am not comfortable in my own skin and sometimes that image makes me feel obese. When we have a church dinner or a lunch at work I spend days trying to prepare my mind to not go back for seconds, to not eat too much dessert. I feel like people sometimes think I am gross when I eat. I am always wondering how fast I ate. These things haunt me so bad! I can't even enjoy food like I want to anymore.
After this discussion my sis she and I both realized this is more than a weight loss journey now; this is a problem. This disordly diet "lifestyle" has turned into a disorder. There are things I want in life and I know my life is not defined by the number on the scale but until I can find peace within myself and see the beautiful person that God sees I will never grab ahold of those things I want. I refuse to settle for anything less than I deserve and my happiness is at the top of that list!
I pondered the thought of posting this, putting it out there for the world to see, but I know there are people who will read this that really love me and those people will pray for me and help me change this disordly lifestyle into one that will no longer hold me back.

God bless!