I'm trying hard...well...kind of..

Sometimes things are not as easy as they seem. Trying to eat healthy when you are away from home, working out of a TINY kitchen, and when asked to plan potlucks and group outings at restaurants makes things a little difficult.

See, I LOVE food...I love the good food, the fried food, the sweet food...and lots of it, but I am trying. I have went through counting calories, to going to the Weigh Station and eating only meat and veggies, to eating whatever I wanted (which caused the gallbladder removal), to Weight Watchers, to South Beach, to eating whatever I wanted again, back to Weight Watchers, and now I am counting calories again...I am drained from dieting. I am exercising quite a bit, but the eating just gets to me...I want everything from pizza to ice cream with no veggies inbetween! I know that is awful.

I was telling my friend, Michelle, I need something...I need something to push me to that point that makes me say.."Ok..this is what is going to make me stay on track." I thought the gallbladder would have done that, but nope...then the asthma..but nope...I just love food and I need help. I am so scared I am going to get so big that I will be miserable. I want to be a role model, but with my habits of eating that is not happening until I change it.

There is something I want to do, but I know I have to get myself completely healthy and my body in shape before I can tackle it. I have been taking Zumba classes and recently I have thought, well, maybe I could be an instructor. The Rec Center back home needs some more fun added to it and maybe if I become certified I can help myself while helping others. I think this could be fun, but at the same time I am afraid I will get burnt out on it. And the class to get certified is not cheap so I just need to make sure, but in the meantime I need to get myself together.

In my head I want to try so hard and then I smell fried chicken or cheessecake and that little evil fat guy sitting on my shoulder pulls me to it. How can I knock that guy off? How can I stay focused? How can I stop fighting the food that will continue to make me fat and unhealthy that I love so much? How do people do it? How do they just say "No, I am NOT eating that cake even though my mouth is watering for it?"

Any suggestions? Help please? I want to be completely happy with me and by fighting this bulge around my belly I don't think I can be.

Without God, who are We?

"Truly I've been through the storm and rain, I know everything about heartache and pain, but God carried me through it all, without His protection I'd surely fall. I've been broke without a dime to my name, but all my bills got paid, I know in Jesus name."

I was listening to this song in my car today and I felt the spirit. Sometimes we don't give God the credit He deserves. He is the reason for everything.

Today I have been struggling with life. I try not to ask "Why?" because I know God has a reason for everything. I am blessed in so many way and I take that for granted sometimes, I know I do. When I sit back and think about this I feel selfish. My mind just seems to go in a million directions sometimes and I think about all the things I don't have and get depressed over it. It is not that I want lots of money or material things, but I should still give God more thanks than what I do for the things I do have.

My job: God has blessed me with a job I love so much. Everyday there is a blessing to me. I love the people I work with; they fill my soul with so much joy and I couldn't ask for better people. The Cadets, they make me laugh, they make me feel important...the things my job requires me to do for them may sometimes get overwhelming, but in the end...when they commission and I see the smiles on their faces and their families faces...and when their families thank ME for what I have done for them..Oh my gosh...God, this is one blessing I thank you SO much for! My dad was so happy that I got this job...so happy. He would tell everyone about it and I can still hear him say, "I'm proud of you Sylvie."

My home: I live in a wonderful apartment in a nice neighborhood and my landlord trust me. That is a blessing in itself. She trust me so much that she asked me to be the property manager here. I have had the experience of renting out properties, handling money, and just taking care of things around here. This is a blessing to me, for one, that I am able to help out. She lives far away and can not get here for lots of things so I do what I can. Second, I get the experience of knowing the ins and outs of the rental property business...and most importantly...I have a roof over my head. There are so many people without homes right now due to weather troubles..they may be homeless...or maybe they just don't know their way. God, you have blessed me with a roof over my head and for that I am SO thankful!

Friends and Family: Within my life I have came across many people. Some have come and gone, but those most important to me remain. I don't get out much..I don't really go anywhere or hang out with anyone, but I do have friends who care about me. I have friends and family who love me and would be there for me through any storm if possible. I take this for granted because of the fact that I don't go anywhere or do anything...with them. I stay at home and I make a phone call here and there, but I know I can do more Lord. I am so thankful for the people in my life. So many have wiped tears, been with me through heartache and pain, helped me out when I was about to hit the ground and I am SO thankful for all of them. I pray, Lord, that you help me to put these people in my life more often..to put more smiles on the faces of those I love and to be there more often when I am needed. Thank you so much for those who love me Lord.

Feeling: Lord, sometimes I cry. Sometimes I get lonely. Sometimes I hurt, both physically and mentally. Sometimes I'm so tired I can't hold my eyes open and sometimes I am wide awake due to all the caffeine. Sometimes I am able to feel others pain and I am able to comfort them with kind words or a hug..or sometimes, just a smile. Thank you Lord for giving me feelings...feelings of sadness, happiness, worry, regret...love. Some people don't have this, or they don't care if they have it so they hide it under all of their layers never to show the world. I do..and I show my feelings often and I know that is okay. I thank you for these feelings, Lord. Thank you for my heart, it is so big and I see so much of my dad in my heart Lord. He was such a kind and gentle person and he always expressed feeling...even when he was in the hospital Lord..he said to me, "Sylvie, don't worry about me, I'm going to be alright." He knew I was hurting Lord and he wanted to comfort me. He knew that no matter if he stayed alive or if he died that he was going to be alright because he was in Your arms. I thank you Lord for feeling.

Memory: There are some things in my life that I simply can not remember, no matter how hard I try, there are some things I have blocked out of memory because those are not parts of my life I wish to dwell on, and there are those memories that I hope to never let go. I have memories that make me laugh, memories that make me cry, and memories that make me ponder...I enjoy my memories..With memory I am able to bond with people..share experiences...make people smile. Memory is such an amazing thing to have and this is why I thank you for this..Thank you Lord for memory.

I could go on and on and on for the things I take for granted that the Lord has give me, but I will need to sleep evenutally..haha. God is so amazing. For a long time I always tried to hide God. I thought if someone saw me pray they would think I was wierd or would not want to hang with me. I finally grew and I noticed that those people who serve God are "In it to win it!" as Randy Jackson says on American Idol. I am in it to win it. God has done so many things for me and showed me the way. I was struggling so bad a few years ago and then I decided to pray before I eat even if I was in a restaurant by myself...I decided to tell people who were complaing about how awful their lives were to Trust in God without hesitation..I decided that if I do not live for Him, who am I living for? My dad raised me to love God, to love everyone..to Follow God and let Him lead the way. When I started doing this my life did a 360! I have pushed and pushed and pushed to show people how great He is and sometimes I don't push enough and I start giving myself credit for the things that I could not have done without HIM. I am SO thankful at where I am right now. I know I have more to accomplish, but I know that if I don't let God lead me to those accomplishments they will soon become failures.

So, ask yourself.."Without God, who am I?" You may find yourself falling to your knees asking for forgiveness...I pray this to be so. He is amazing...if you don't believe me, well, try Him out for yourself!

Still pushing on..

Well, it has been over a month since I posted and I have had ups and downs since then. I am still trying to be healthy, but I hit a speed bump unfortunately. Something happened and I wasn't able to breath as well as normal...after some testing the doc seems to think I have developed asthma. This stinks, it really does. It has really put a damper on my exercise routine...it has almost stopped it. I can't go very far or push very hard without feeling like my chest is closed up..I am still trying to do what I can and to eat healthy (most of the time)...every now and again I will have those sweets I love so much!

On another note, I have been irritated with a few things lately and I am trying really hard not to let things get to me, but sometimes that is hard. I just ask for prayer.

In less than 2 weeks I will be heading to Fort Knox, KY to help out with another part of my job and I am ready, besides the packing part. I am ready for reasons that shouldn't be reasons, but I just want to get away. I always tell people they can't walk away from problems, this does not mean they will disappear, but for me, walking away for a bit will help me to analyze things, to figure out if some things can be...I am just happy to be seeing my Fort Knox family, well work partners that feel like family. I will continue to improve my health...I will continue to eat healthy with an occasional Korean meal, a now and then Jailhouse pizza and pickle chips..and I can't go to KY without stopping by the cheesecake factory, but I know more about portion control now...I know more about reading nutrition labels...I know more about exercise, stretching...about being healthy. I have a friend going and we will push one another. I can't wait..

I TOLD YOU I PROBABLY WOULD...

Well, I had a weigh in today, which I have every week with my Weight Watchers group and even though I said it is not about weight loss (which I still agree) I did say I would probably still post it so I am ....

I LOST 2.2LBS THIS WEEK!

This is a great feeling, kind of reassuring that you are doing what you are supposed to do...in my case it is to eat healthy, exercise and be accountable for what I do each day. Now I have more of a reason to be accountalbe. Thanks to a good facebook friend, Tessa, I have created a challenge group on facebook called SPREAD THE HEALTH...A CHALLENGE COMMUNITY. This group was created in hopes to do just as it says...spread the health. Today we all take for granted the ease of getting food not taking into account the problems that could cause us health wise in the longrun. In order to live a long life, if God chooses for us to by health, we need to take better care of ourselves. I hope people decide to take on the challenge of creating a challenge for themselves. I feel I am making a difference and this feels great!

Life is changing for me...I hope you choose to change yours as well.

God Bless!

ALL IN A MONTH'S TIME...

"I DID IT!!!" These 3 little words seemed to be the only words that could go through my head this morning after leaving the gym and heading home to shower. It all seems surreal to me that I made it through an entire month of doing what I put my mind to.

This past month I challenged myself to go to the gym everyday for 30 days and eat healthy. I can say that every day was not an easy one. There were days that I asked myself why in the world I decided to do this and there were other days that I did not want to leave the gym. I feel so accomplished in my efforts because of the many things I have overcome this month. First of all I overcame the fear of "not being able to follow through." All my life I have used many excuses to get out of something either because I was afraid of the outcome or I just didn't think I could. My dad would always tell me that I can do so much more than I think I can. He always tried to instill a positive attitude in me and taught me to go for whatever I can possibly go for and to succeed at it! This challenge was a first step into a new life that I want for myself...a step in living up to what my dad always knew I AM...this is A SUCCESS STORY that I am happy to share.

I posted my challenge on facebook for the world, well my facebook world, to see so therefore I had no excuse...I had to do this! Every day there would be a different picture taken of me; at the park, at the gym, at home-and I would post under the picture what I did that day physically. There was only 1 day that I did not make it to the gym, but I was pretty sick that day. I did want to go so bad, but I knew since I was trying to become healthier that a part of this was to know when to say when. I even worked with a personal trainer this month and that was an experience in itself! SORE was not even a word to describe the pain he put me through, but it was a good pain...another "accomplishment" if you will.

The food choices I made during this 30 day challenge were different that what I had been choosing the past few months, but I was never starving and I ate well!! The past few years I have been trying to lose weight. I have tried counting calories, cutting carbs, getting shots, taking pills and NOTHING had worked…I would always give up because I wasn’t happy with my food choices or the process. I was always focusing on LOSING WEIGHT. I am now on Weight Watchers...yes, another diet plan, but this one is different. I am allowed 29 points per day and everything I eat has a point value. I can have ANYTHING as long as I write it down and put that point on it. That is exactly what I have done this month. I wrote EVERYTHING down and yes, I did have a candy bar here and there..a piece of cake-EVEN A 15 POINT HONEYBUN (one of those endless pit days!), but I was accountable for everything I ate! There was not a time that I said, "Well, I only took a bite so I won't write that down.." I have realized that fruits and vegetable are filling, and these are free on my plan by the way--no point values--so I can have all I want, but we try to limit to 5 a day. What am I getting to? Well, I look at what I am about to eat...I don't count the calories, but I pay attention to what is healthy. That 15 point honey bun, yes, I knew it was bad, but I wanted it, which is something else I learned this month--we cannot deprive ourselves from what we really want. As long as we don't go binging through the kitchen at 9pm on a Wednesday night right before bed when we have to work the next day..or anyday, we will be okay. If I want something really bad, I go for it, but I am accountable for it and, yes, I feel it the next day.

I am not so hard on myself now compared to the way I was when I started this thing. I can't be or I will never achieve my goal. How much weight have I lost or how many inches have I lost?? I don't know. I will not be posting this. I do weigh in every week at WW and the scale has not been moving much, I will say that, but it is not about the weight to me right now. I do have a goal I want to reach, but I have to take care of ME first and by continuing to do this I will get there, but there is no rush. I will occasionally post about my actual weight loss, I am sure, but I think this is why so many diets fail; everyone watches the scale and when it doesn't move they get frustrated (which I have, recently actually). I know my body and what it has done. I have toned up by doing cardio and weights. My face has slimmed down. I am more awake than what I would be if I ate unhealthy every day. I enjoy my meals because I don't worry where those 8 grams of fat in my lean cuisine pizza will go anymore. I LOVE the gym! I love learning more and more about health and I LOVE motivating people!

This challenge has not only improved myself and the way I think, but I have helped others. I have been a motivator without even knowing it at the time. When I received the messages about the motivation I was sending out I got tears in my eyes. This made me feel incredible! This was NEVER a goal of mine when I started this, but now I have made it a daily goal--I will continue to try to motivate however I can. I want people to look to me for advice, for help...for whatever and whenever. I LOVE helping people and to know that I did just by posting my "healthy way of living" pictures everyday...WOW!

Right now I am continuing to focus on myself to get me where I want to be, to be happy with me, but I am currently trying to think of something else to challenge myself at. I have a few things in mind, but nothing to post on facebook yet..haha. Any ideas??

My advice for you is to challenge yourself…start with a weak area of your life and work on it, build on it..You never know what will happen in the end until you succeed!

It Takes Time

Life has its ups and downs. At the moment my ups and downs are defined by my weight. I have tried many diets...done lots of exercise and nothing has ever seemed to stay with me or work. I would get into exercising and then get sick..have surgery..the weather would keep me from getting to the gym-it seems like anything and everything would get in my way and push me back. I would soon end up back where I started...feeling fat, uncomfortable, depressed and I wanted to give up.

It wasn't long ago that I decided to make a decision for my life and what I would soon know, for others as well.  I decided that only I can do this. Only I can make myself happy whether I be fat or skinny. My decision was none of the above. Surprised? Well, I made a different decision. I decided I wanted to be healthy. I want to live a happy and healthy life and a long one if God chooses that for me. I want to motivate others and with what I have done so far I feel I am at the start of doing what I put my mind to.

In February I started Weight Watchers. The first week I had to go out of town for my job and eat out for every meal. Needless to say I gained a little over 2 pounds that week. After that it was on! I started the plan full force and I have cheated here and there, who doesn't? But I feel more free with my meal choices and I am happier than I have been in a while trying to "diet".

March 1st I decided to challenge myself...step it up a bit. I posted this on Facebook for accountability because I needed motivation for myself and letting the Facebook world in on this I felt I couldn't give up. I have posted a picture everyday since the first about my activity for that day...even worked with a personal trainer. My body has been toning up, I can tell but the weight hasn't been falling off which has been discouraging. At times when it was time to weigh in I wanted to scream because that number was not what I wanted to see. I then step back and look at what I have been doing...how I have improved my life with food, exercise and how I have motivated others with what I have been doing and I know I can't stop now. God has given me the chance to take care of me and prove to others I CAN!

So many people have told me how much I have motivated them and that feeling is phenomenal! I pray God continues to give me this strength and drive to take care of myself and the knowledge to teach others how to do the same. I have a friend, Michelle who is also doing weight watchers and we motivate one another when life isn't so much the life we ask for. This summer we will both be out of town for work but thankfully we will be working together. We will help one another...share recipies...cook together...exercise together and even have our occasional "bad food" nights together and I can't wait. It is important to have support in areas of your life where you are not the strongest and with friends like Michelle and family I know I won't fail.

I love being a motivator and I love this journey I am taking to get there...now enjoy this picture of my 5 point banana pudding! Ah! The sweet things in life!

GOD BLESS YOU TOWARD A HEALTHY LIFE!

Is it whats on the inside that counts??

What if the inside is deceiving? What if you are unsure and think maybe the inside is just a mirror image of the parts revealed? What if you don't know how or what the inside is capable of and you think, at times, it is so great then something happens that just stabs?...because you were relying on the inside?

I am so confused in my life and sometimes I really don't know which direction to turn. Once minute I am so positive and happy and enjoying every minute of life then something happens that changes everything. You know, I look to God for answers in my life and I ask Him to let me be myself and He does, so I am thankful. So, why do I question my ability to love...to let go..to stop worrying about what could happen? Why do I do some of the things I do that could potentially mess up a relationship if one was to form? I am not talking about cheating or anything...just some things I say that later I realize I didn't mean to say...maybe it came out wrong...why do I investigate? Yes, I do investigate. I am so scared that if I get my whole self to someone it will get ripped into shreads...SO SCARED! I cry at times because I feel lonely and I think, "WOW! I have SOOOO much love to give someone...SOOO much. I want to share...then when that time comes I want to run. I don't know what to do, say, how to act...I am lost right now. I really wish I had my dad to talk to right now...I miss him and his great advice in everything.

Now, I know that the next step is to pray for guidance in my life. I do this often, but maybe I have just misunderstood what God was telling me.

Praying often, praying always.